Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
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Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.