Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
You Might Also Like
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Kids: Stay in school.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe