I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
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[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself