Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
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If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.