Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
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FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda