Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
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“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
📽️movie date🎞️
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.