I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
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Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.