If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
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the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Xylophonist Shredding It
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.