he was correct
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im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.