This is why I don’t delete Facebook
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Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
This is me 🤣🤣
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
In banana years, I am bread.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan