Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
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Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
me linking you to my twitter
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.