*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
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an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Was it something I said?
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits