Not really a humane solution in my opinion
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Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
What if the weather talks about us?
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
The internet is full of many things
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do