I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
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*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
the noise i just made
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?