Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.