Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
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[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Effort made
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress