I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
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I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
calling in to work dehydrated
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis