Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
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Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
This line from Airplane.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
so this horse walks into a bar
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
(2022)
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*