I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
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i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣