I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
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Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?