How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
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“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
2022 be like
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat