The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
You Might Also Like
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I need this for my side hustle.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.