saving face 👀
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Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
More like Kate Missington.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
me and the Superbowl rn
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
🤣
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.