When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
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Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.