I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
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My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?