‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
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big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.