Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
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genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I am HOWLING at this
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.