One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
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(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Name another movie that mislead you?
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*