ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
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When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids