Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
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[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit