If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
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wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.