When I said I liked it rough.
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Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
They got Raph!
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of