Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
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Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.