ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
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The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.