How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
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Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
catch me on valentine’s day like
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
This is a whole mood;
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances