Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
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road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending