Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
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Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here