Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
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Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”