Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
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After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004