[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
You Might Also Like
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him