“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
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I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.