*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
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I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break