Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
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me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Yes, this is exactly right
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?