[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
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[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
All generalizations are stupid.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.