[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
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My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
An odd boast
My therapist after every session
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house