Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
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Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Mission: Impossible
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Reporter: *ports again*
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I feel attacked.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded