The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
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When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.