The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
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* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa