Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
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[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Does this dress make me look cat?
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.