My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
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I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
i will avenge u mr van gogh
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.